Friday, 25 April 2014

Rambling - Chapter 6

Men and Hygiene

Just saying these two words in the same sentence will get women rolling on the floor with laughter which would be hilarious for a man as well, seeing a grown woman do that. But seriously, men are hygienic more than women know. I know it sounds like a BJP speech in Old City but here goes.
Basically, men’s morning ritual can be condensed in to three letters: SSS (Shit, Shave and Shower) which pretty much covers everything that is required to be clean and presentable.  I cannot say that for Modi (I am not talking about the shaving part).
A woman’s morning ritual consists of making ruckus about the bathroom condition, Shit, Shave, Shower, choose dress, wear dress, choose another dress, wear dress, choose another dress, wear dress………it goes on like that. Two parts of a woman’s morning ritual takes a lot of time.  Part one is shaving because the area is larger and slicker.  Part two is choosing dress. Choosing a dress takes lot of time because it has to meet with so many criteria. Some are given below :
1)      Should not have been worn in the last 45 days at-least
2)      Should closely match her friend’s but not the same shade
3)      Her “other” friends should not have that pattern (Women don’t have enemies, they have friends and “other” friends)
4)      Should have been worn by a celebrity in any recent telecasted event (Point of discussion for the day)
5)      Her husband should not like it (They will show you two dresses and wear the one you did not choose.)
6)      Should be her mother’s favorite (Point of discussion on the evening call to mummy)

I don’t know why women are under the impression that men are dirty and unclean pigs? We have reasons for the way we are. Take a Sunday for example. I get up, brush (when it suits me), have breakfast (not in that order) and watch TV.  I don’t have to go anywhere, anybody coming home….should do so at their own risk. So, why should I take bath.  Isn’t it a fact that bathing was invented to be presentable to others?  On the contrary I ask my wife, who are you getting dressed up for on a Sunday morning. I say it is ridiculous to go to all that trouble just to sit and watch TV.
Then there is that small matter of how to behave in public. When I happen to meet my wife’s friends I am as presentable as one can get.  There was this one women who we met in the market, she wanted to know everything about me(I vaguely remember her asking what are my identification marks). My wife was livid with me for not having shaven that day and she said “I told you to shave in the morning, now see what happened?” What’s the deal with that? Why should I look attractive to my wife’s friend?
To all the women out there, we have figured out what your problem is.  You want us to look like those guys in TV serials, right? Always immaculate, not one hair out of place, talking softly and maturely, crying at the drop of a hat, feeling for everything everybody say or didn’t say.  Getting softly angry if relatives don’t invite for some get together, not smoking, not drinking. 
Did you women notice that these men are always at home sorting out family problems? Did you ever notice that the back bone of the serial is extra marital affairs that the husband is having?

Feel lucky with what you have got sisters, there is nothing called a Hygienic Male.