Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Rambling - Chapter 2

Women
When god created earth, he was in a very happy mood.  He was very proud of what he had done and wanted to show it off to somebody (A natural tendency in men, god or not).  So he called Adam and asked “Yo, Adam, what do you think?”. To which Adam replied by asking “’bout what?”.  God smiled at his naiveté(A natural tendency in gods to think everybody is naïve)”My son, the world around you?, the lush green trees, fresh water, chirping birds, wild animals, cool breeze and of course apples”.  Adam looked around for a while in surprise and asked “What about them?”. This time god was a little irritated “What about them? What do you mean? Aint it awesome?”.  Again Adam had that look on his face that Modi had when AAP won. For a while, Adam did not say anything.  Then he looked at the Lord Almighty and asked again “Come again bro? what did you want to know?”.  Now god was really really pissed.  How dare this mere mortal not even notice his wonderful creation.  But he was god, the personification of patience and epitome of forgiveness, so he gulped down his wrath and in his godly voice (which is somewhere between Ambrish Puri’s angry voice and Sachin Tendulkar’s victory voice)he explained his question again “I wanted to know what the fuck do you think of the creation around you. You know those green things that are fluttering, small lively things that float in the air without any strings, that blue thingie which you just washed your ass in and of course, lets not forget that red round thing which I asked you not to eat but you went ahead and ate the fuck up anyway. What do you think of these?”.  Now Adam looked like he just went for a royal poop (of course he did you nincompoop. Didnt you read that phrase where god said he washed his ass?).”Oh, those things? Huh, pretty ok by me I guess.  I mean, you are god after all and you have all these cool powers.”.  Now, the all powerful really got it to his head.  “7 days I sat and did this shit one by one and all this idiot says is “ok?”.  I will show him” thought the Lord and hence created women.
Now, the historians, mythologists and their kind may dispute the above fact but it only goes to show how much they know. You see, if Adam had given a good answer instead of replying like Modi ,when asked where he got money for his election campaigning, then may be God would have created one more man, this time with some beer bottles in hand. But nooooo, this first idiot had to act like Arvind K when he got slapped in public for the second time and had to say that stuff.  Now we are stuck with this other species who ought to have grown on trees.  I personally don’t have anything against the fairer sex(I am all for them while  they are between 22 to 30 years) but history has time and again proved that it is because of them that world is where it is.
Lets take a closer look at men when he is around women.  When a man is with his wife alone (no, don’t go there.  This is a decent article and I don’t want it censored) he acts the way she wants, while thinking that’s what he wants.  That’s the power a wife has over her husband. Take my marriage for example, my wife is a very beautiful woman, who is multi talented. She can cook, clean, wash, keep records of whatever she keeps record of , watch multiple mega serials without getting confused or numb in the brain, remember my birthday, remember all the time that I did not remember her birthday, choose what dress I wear, etc etc.  Wow, just listing them got me tired.  She does all this but cannot remember to bring coconut for breakfast (Ref : Rambling – Introduction). It is uncanny how she knows when I get calls from friends to fix a date for a party, that too while on the call. For example, only last week my friend Raj (I will be writing a chapter on this guy later for better perspective) called and invited me to his home because his family will be away on vacation.  While on the call my wife walks in from the kitchen and just stands there looking at me and all I was saying was “Aaha” “ummm”, “ok”, “that’s fine”, “correct”.  How can she deduce, what she deduces only from that is beyond me. God has bestowed this power to all women is my strong belief.
They have all these cool powers.  They are called women’s intuition. They know what you are going to say next or even what you are going to do next.  Remember that lady in the window you read about in the first chapter? Well ,my wife knows about her. How did god create this miracle and clung on to sanity is an eternal, unanswered question.
All women are alike.  They like to talk about everything on earth (make it everybody on earth).  If you witnessed a kitty party (Medically not recommended) you will find that all of them are talking at the same time but somehow manage to understand each other.
Well, to sum it up, they are cooler than men (I know my wife will read this and I still have not bought that coconut).
Hats off to all the women, all you men can go to hell (not the married ones, you are already in one)